The Value in Co-Regulation
One of my favorite things to educate on when I am doing therapy with kiddos and their parents is the importance of co-regulation. This is a concept that is so beneficial and helpful for children at all ages and stages. Co-regulation is simply the concept of staying regulated in times of escalation to assist with regulating your kiddo in times that they are escalated. This can be easier said than done depending on circumstances but has shown to be extremely beneficial and impactful to assist with educating and teaching children to respond to their big feelings in appropriate and helpful ways.
I was quickly reminded of this concept recently (yes, even therapists can make mistakes with this). My husband and I were traveling with our child to visit family. This ride was not fun to say the least. It was long… like 6 hours. With a baby and two dogs many stops were made that turned the six hour drive into 9. Children are resilient to say the least. Our little one was doing SO well until the last portion of our trip. Out of nowhere, he was fussy as could be. I am quickly running through my mind (escalating) what it could be and checking everything off of the list. Hungry? No, we just stopped and ate. Dirty diaper? No, we just changed it and his diaper is clearly dry. What could it be? The more he cried (escalating) the more overstimulated I became with each noise and turn that was taking place. The more it went on, the more overwhelmed I got.. And it showed. Through my frantic voice, through me repeating “I don’t know what's wrong”, the longer it went on, the more I myself was getting escalated. My husband made the choice to pull over and switch spots. I would drive, he would stay with the baby. Instantly, he used a calm voice to comfort him. With this, he almost immediately calmed down and was his happy and bubbly self. At first, I was so confused by this, then I remembered.. Co regulation!
My son was dis-regulated to start. The more escalated he got, the more escalated I got which resulted in us feeling off of one another. My husband, however, remained calm and our child was able to regulate off of him as a result. This can be hard to implement, especially when one is getting so overwhelmed. In times like these it’s okay to take a break. For the above story, this break was an easy swap in parenting. Other times, it may mean stepping away to calm down before responding to the situation. The more regulated you stay, the more likely your child will be to mirror and follow your responses.
Parenting can be hard, and each child is different. Remember, we are all human and we all make mistakes. Let this be a reminder and an encouragement to assist with responding to your littles and their emotional needs.
Written by: Jordan Allen
